Pedaling Backwards...

What happens....when you commit to change, to make a difference....to live a better life....only to repeat the act again. The shame that is felt....the guilt...the weight in your chest that can't be shaken off. The feeling of failure. Like there is no hope.

A dear friend recently wrote: "We can't let dwelling on past mistakes affect how we perform in the future.  We can't let those things bog us down so we forget the tasks we have ahead." You can read her full post here. I really needed to hear those words today.

I am a very selfish person so I will talk about myself for a few moments. I chose what defines me. The small decisions I make molds my whole character. In a time period of mostly good mistakes, I'm feeling good and confident. During times when I make consistently not-so-great decisions I feel not good and rather confused. I don't feel like myself.

 I know that I have a life full of potential. And I'm excited to live it! I know it won't be perfect. I know there will be many dips and hurtles and walls to break through. But I also know through diligent perseverance to try to make the right decision, eventually change will come. Mistakes are not landslides into the dark abyss. They are moments of learning. Don't learn it the first time, it will keep coming until you do learn it. I'm learning that the hard way. I wish I could document how many times I've relearned this same lesson. "Attempt #6,273." But I am confident in my ability to grow. I know that on "Attempt #11,291" I'll be better prepared and each time will get easier. Well, off to bed to try again tomorrow. Sometimes that is all we can do.

The Grocery Store Incident

So...a few days ago I was in the grocery store.

I was almost done. I was looking at the pasta section when a guy passes me....stops, turns, and says 

"Having pasta for dinner?" 

I said 'Yes.'

"Spaghetti?"

'No,' I said, 'I'm making a soup.'

"Oh...are you a cook?"

In fact, I sort of am. I cook dinner for 30 people 4 nights a week so I said 'I guess you can say that.'

"Oh, I'm a cook too! I'm a chef at Golden Corral."

Now I'm getting a little itchy. We've been dancing. He takes a step forward and I take a step back. So to try and get a hold of the conversation and hopefully steer it to an end I ask him 'Are you just getting some milk?' It was the only thing he was carrying.

"Yeah, it's Lee's daily deal on Wednesday's. It's such a good price!"

'Oh, good! Well, go and enjoy your milk!' I scoochie back and start to turn back to my cart. 

He stops dancing towards me and says "Oh I will for sure."

'Good, and go get some cookies to have with it,' scoochying some more.

He takes two lunging steps towards me "Are they on sale?!"

'I don't know! Go find out!' I'm deliberately shooing him with my hands. My personal bubble has been popped.

Before I can completely turn from him he thinks of something else to ask me.

"I noticed you were staring at the pasta for a while. What were you looking for?"

'The cheapest one.' I turn my back even more.

"Are you almost done?"

'Yeah, oh yeah, I'm pretty much through.' More hand shooing.

"Oh good, me too." (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS PART PEOPLE?!) He then proceeds to place HIS MILK in MY CART and start pushing MY CART towards the registers!!!!!!!

Shocked. I'm frozen. Paralyzed. Thinking back on this situation I realized I should have asked 'May I please have my cart back?' or 'Can you please remove your milk from my cart?'

But the only thing that managed to slip out of my unmoving lips was 'I-I need to go this way.' And pointed in the opposite direction. 

"Okay," he said and steered MY CART around. I felt so invaded. That was MY STUFF and MY CART. He didn't ask permission or anything! Just grabbed it! At least I was carrying my purse or I probably would have been a lot more aggressive on separating him and my cart. What followed was a very awkward escort through the freezer section. At least I hadn't lied, I was almost done.

But the next few minutes I was glued to my shopping list, crossing off what had already been marked, and scurrying as fast as I could to get this over with.

Meanwhile I was trying to answer his probing questions.

One of my favorites was "I noticed you are wearing a skirt today. Do you usually wear skirts or is it a special occasion?"

'I-I just...felt like wearing a skirt.' Trying not to giggle at the ridiculousness of the situation, I couldn't help but do the nice thing and return his question. 'Do you wear pants every day?'

"Why, yes I do. I don't know if you'd count shorts as pants. But usually, yes."

He referred again to being a chef at Golden Corral and that he would "never make me cook for him....because he was a chef..." (And why are you telling me this?) 

He mentioned that he was "an excellent helper."

I said 'Oh! I'm sure you are!'

"You sound a little sarcastic."

'Oh no! I do not doubt the least bit that you are a great helper.' Face. Serious. As. I. Could. Make. It.

FINALLY we get up to the check out and I MAKE him go first. I had a lot of stuff and he only had his milk. Thank goodness he didn't fight me too hard. After I unloaded all my stuff, I placed the cart firmly between us and became very interested in all the gum and magazine's. (Wow is that Martha Stewart? She looks great in her new Halloween cover.) He was through paying and took a moment to turn back and reach over the cart to give me a handshake. Which I appreciated. At least he didn't wait. Or offer to help me out to my car. Because I would have had to adamantly refuse. There ain't no way this boy was going to follow me to my car.

As the girl started ringing up my items (I knew her from a chemistry coarse) she asked "Did you know him?" I said 'Nope.'

She gasped. "Are you okay?!" At that I had to laugh. At least I wasn't the only one to feel like his hunt was a little disturbing.

No more shopping on Wednesday's. Unless I dress as a hobbling hag.

Smile Lines...

I wish there was more joy in aging, not fear and loathing. The elderly are beautiful. Their countenance speaks of a depth of wisdom and understanding I can only hope to gain.  

There's no surgery to replicate years of joy found a midst trial. 

Be proud of smile lines. Wear them like a badge! 

NOW GO EARN SOME!

Tomorrow, tomorrow

Dear Future Self,

Today was not a good day. I feel like I failed...again. It's that sinking feeling you get when riding up a really steep hill, seeing the top, seeing the sunshine peak over..then, the legs start to burn, the lungs can't get oxygen, and the pedals are suddenly going the wrong way. Down and down and down, faster and faster. There's just so much to do. So many roles and responsibilities I need to fulfill. I'm so behind! How did I get so behind? Who stole my time?!

I watch other people around me to amazing hard things, and wonder if I'll ever live a life with such purpose and productivity. What makes them tick? How do they keep pushing forward? I make goals, lots of goals. Only to totally forget about them halfway through the day and undo any effort I put in. Seriously it's about a half a day. It's a rather frustrating cycle.

But guess what-I'm going to try again tomorrow. I'm going to keep making these blasted goals because I know it will help me become what I want you to be!

I know what I want you to be. I can picture you. You're happy, confident, strong and independent. You know so much more then I do right now. You love these mistakes I'm making because they helped you know how to succeed, no matter the circumstances. Are you married? I sure hope so. Remember all the nights I spend dreaming and wishing and praying to God for a nice man, a good man. In exchange I promise to somehow be more patient than I know I ever can be.

And if I someday have kids, I hope you remember to cherish them. I hope you chose to be like mom is right now. She is always there, always so loving and eager to do whatever she can to help. I hope you remember her patient, persistent example daily! Thank goodness she taught me to cook! It's seriously paying off right now.

Did you ever get these student loans paid off? Ugh, I knew they'd hang over my head for a while, but I kept telling myself I'd eat Ramen for months to get them taken care of quickly. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you felt other things should take priority....like a new scarf or Haagen Daz...didn't change much there did I?

Alright, time to get some sleep and gather the energy and courage to try again tomorrow. I'm going to try harder though. Because time is running out. I can feel it. I hate that I keep waiting, waiting for you to come, just to show up tomorrow, magically, without effort. But I know the effort is going to be worth it. Please be patient. Please know I'm trying to reach and connect with you. Progress to you.
Tomorrow is a beautiful day! Smile on.

Love, me

Simple Things