Today was not a good day. I feel like I failed...again. It's that sinking feeling you get when riding up a really steep hill, seeing the top, seeing the sunshine peak over..then, the legs start to burn, the lungs can't get oxygen, and the pedals are suddenly going the wrong way. Down and down and down, faster and faster. There's just so much to do. So many roles and responsibilities I need to fulfill. I'm so behind! How did I get so behind? Who stole my time?!
I watch other people around me to amazing hard things, and wonder if I'll ever live a life with such purpose and productivity. What makes them tick? How do they keep pushing forward? I make goals, lots of goals. Only to totally forget about them halfway through the day and undo any effort I put in. Seriously it's about a half a day. It's a rather frustrating cycle.
But guess what-I'm going to try again tomorrow. I'm going to keep making these blasted goals because I know it will help me become what I want you to be!
I know what I want you to be. I can picture you. You're happy, confident, strong and independent. You know so much more then I do right now. You love these mistakes I'm making because they helped you know how to succeed, no matter the circumstances. Are you married? I sure hope so. Remember all the nights I spend dreaming and wishing and praying to God for a nice man, a good man. In exchange I promise to somehow be more patient than I know I ever can be.
And if I someday have kids, I hope you remember to cherish them. I hope you chose to be like mom is right now. She is always there, always so loving and eager to do whatever she can to help. I hope you remember her patient, persistent example daily! Thank goodness she taught me to cook! It's seriously paying off right now.
Did you ever get these student loans paid off? Ugh, I knew they'd hang over my head for a while, but I kept telling myself I'd eat Ramen for months to get them taken care of quickly. Though I wouldn't be surprised if you felt other things should take priority....like a new scarf or Haagen Daz...didn't change much there did I?
Alright, time to get some sleep and gather the energy and courage to try again tomorrow. I'm going to try harder though. Because time is running out. I can feel it. I hate that I keep waiting, waiting for you to come, just to show up tomorrow, magically, without effort. But I know the effort is going to be worth it. Please be patient. Please know I'm trying to reach and connect with you. Progress to you.
Tomorrow is a beautiful day! Smile on.
Love, me
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